Please see my first article about this topic of what I wish I knew before homeschooling at this link. Today I want to continue exploring the topic to help those who are just thinking about homeschooling or starting on their journey. If I had to make the decision of whether to homeschool my four children again, I would 100% pick it every time. All these things I learned along the way would’ve just made it even better. Some of what I will touch on is from personal experiences and others are things I observed while being in the homeschool world.

Relationships inside and outside the home

I want to explore relationships today – in the home and outside the home while homeschooling. If you, as the homeschooling parent, is in an intimate relationship like a marriage or anything similar, it is easy to not find the time to cherish that relationship at the same time as homeschooling. Unfortunately, for parents, having children already puts some strain on relationships at times because it just takes so much time and energy to raise kids. If you homeschool, it could become even more time- and labor-intensive, especially in child-centric homes where kids are often regarded as the kings of the house and that creates all kinds of issues in my experience e.g. one partner feeling like they are being neglected while the children rule the roost or feeling that a partner is prioritizing the kids’ needs above theirs.

Good news!

As impossible as it might seem sometimes, in the heat of the moment, one day your children will be grown and off to a great life and you will be an empty-nester. It is essential that you treasure and maintain the relationships that will outlast your homeschooling years. In addition to relationships in the home, close friendships are also extremely crucial in everyone’s lives and maintaining those friendships also take a good amount of time and effort, but it’s so worth it! It is possible to homeschool and have powerful and meaningful relationships at the same time, but it is a conscious choice one has to make and continual effort to implement the decision. “But how? I’m exhausted!”, I can hear you say.

Here are some practical ways you can protect your relationships from deteriorating due to homeschooling your children:

Dates/scheduled hang-outs/planned times for connection

I suggest that every couple make the time to go on regular dates, without the kids. It could be hard to find someone to leave the children with while you go away for an hour or two, but if you have that in mind, you can usually, with some references, find good childcare. If you aren’t able to, you can always set aside some time every day to intentionally connect at the start or end of the day before or after the kids are awake. Having time away from the kids when you can connect one-on-one is essential to stay on the same page with so many things. I know that it is hard to pull it off when everyone is tired from the day, so mornings might work better to spend some quality time, even if it’s just for a few minutes. The same go for friendships. Block off some time every day/week on your calendar for connecting with loved ones. I always say that I have to schedule my fun or it would never happen and it’s not so much the quantity, but the quality of the time we spend together that matters most.

I have it on my calendar, what’s next?

Make sure that you don’t just spend the time discussing “issues” so it becomes an unpleasant experience. Try to focus on positive things and really connecting with the other person. If you are just spending time at home together as a couple instead of going out on a date, maybe bake a special treat or order dinner for just the 2 of you. The focus is just to talk and stay connected in the most positive way possible. Whenever you feel discord creeping in, remind yourself regularly of the things that drew you to your partner initially and work on keeping that going.  Focus on the positives, instead of the negatives. 

Growing together

People change so much over the years, but deep down inside we stay enough the same to still connect if we are resourceful and creative, especially if we are working on the relationship throughout, so when we change, we slowly change together instead of apart.  I believe that if we can all learn to think also from the other person’s perspective, put ourselves truly in their shoes, we will have a much more peaceful society and relationships would blossom. Treat connection with a partner or friend as seriously as any other meeting or event. Make it a priority. Add it to your calendar and stick to it. Be very intentional about the time that needs to be set aside because otherwise it will not.

Customize homeschooling for your family to reduce relationship strain

Homeschooling doesn’t look the same for every family. Families can do school work at different times than regular schools. You could choose to do school work later in the day, if that works better for everyone in the family or you could even do some of it on weekends. In some families, the mom is the one who works outside the home maybe 4-5 days a week because sometimes they have the higher-paying job if the dad is happy to be the one taking on a lot of the homeschool days, activities, and driving and then there are families where both parents work part-time and they have to split the responsibilities. The whole point of homeschooling is customizing things to fit your family, so make full use of it!

Clean up the mess?!

Something else to consider is that for some parents, it seems to help to have the homeschool madness contained in one room of the house and not in every room.  Others love to see all the organic learning going on in every corner of the house and it doesn’t bother them at all.  It seems that most of the time one of the parents really cares about the house being neat and the other one doesn’t care as much, but sometimes we don’t communicate effectively what we would like and resentment can build up over time. Every homeschool family is totally different, and therefore talk, talk, talk, and listen, listen, listen! Remember you have the freedom to customize your home and lifestyle especially when you’re homeschooling.

Effective Communication

Below I will list a few questions for you to consider with your partner or friend. I am a firm believer in win-win situations where everyone has the highest amount of fulfillment and happiness without taking away someone else’s. I suggest you and your partner each fill out the questions below and then read their responses somewhere in a safe space by yourself so you can process it a bit before discussing it together. The goal is to grow closer and not apart from each other. The main challenge is going to be to open your heart to constructive criticism and not taking anything personally. It will be hard to do so, but it is the only way to grow as a person. Remember truth AND kindness is what you want to strive for while filling these out.

Empathy & Listening

The goal is to hear the other person out with empathy and not judgement. Before discussing the questions below, please watch this really amazing video with William Ury discussing the Power of Listening. Realize that whatever the answers are to these questions, it is coming from a place of feelings and needs which are either being met (positive feelings) or are going unmet (negative feelings). I encourage you to look into Non-Violent Communication to gain a deeper understanding of why people do what they do. Even the most non-sensical behavior ultimately has a reason if you consider universal needs that humans have and the feelings they create and then learn to communicate without judgement to learn from one another.

For both partners to do separately and then discuss together at a later time – remember truth and kindness:

• What is your honest opinion on homeschooling, any concerns and what you see as the benefits or drawbacks?

• What would you enjoy as a date?  When is the best time for you to have a date?  With or without kids?

• For your friendships, talk about what you find most enjoyable about your get-togethers. Always make sure to confirm with your friend(s) how much they mean to you and be specific.

In conclusion, make sure to prioritize relationships of all sorts, inside the home and outside so that you do not burn out and when your children are all grown, you have strong relationships to enjoy!